Today was long. I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. It wasn't a terrible day by any means, but it was kind of rough. The rough part actually started last night. I wanted to see how Track Nationals was going since it started yesterday. I looked at the girls pole vaulting and saw that the cut off was actually 11'10 1/2, not 12'1 1/2 like I thought it was going to be. They took 19 girls and I just got bumbed out. Immediately the "if only's" came flooding in. If only I had known to put the bar at that height at conference I would have for sure made it with that last jump. If only I had known. And to top it off, it means that I was 2.5 inches away. Just 2.5! I wanted it so bad.
I have to keep telling myself that God is so much bigger and God is so much wiser. I have to repeat it to myself over and over again. As much as I know it is true, sometimes I don't really believe it. As many of you may know, pretty much everything I do, I do logically. I think things through, analyzing everything, and go about doing things in the most efficient and productive ways possible. There is a reason for everything. I tend to carry this into my relationship with the Lord. Yes, there is a reason for everything, but I am not the mastermind behind it; He is. He is the one who understands how it all works out, and the hard part about this one, is I don't get it. I just wish I could see the reason I didn't make Nationals. It was right there. I know I can clear 12', I can definitely clear 11'10 1/2. Why didn't things work out? I don't know, and it's not my job to know, but I do know that I hate not knowing. Last night and today were kind of rough. I don't think its showed, but my mind has been running. I have had to constantly remind myself that one, it is not my job to understand, and two, that I have to trust Him.
This morning Lisa and I cleaned the Blob Tower and got things all organized. Again, it was quite needed. We fixed all the helmets and blew up some tubes for tubing this weekend then went to brunch. After that I did some stuff in the office and then went up to the prop room above the club room. I was up there with Ali (an intern) and Brian (a property staff) and we cleaned and organized it for I don't even know how long. Three or four hours I think. It was a mess and we hung clothes up, organized them, and then organized all the other random props as well. It wasn't too bad, but it was really dusty and I couldn't stop sneezing. After that, I went and cleaned the pool. We got a new vacuum type thing, which is so amazing compared to sweeping, which we've done in the past. It still took a while, but was much less frustrating. Lisa and I worked on the pool for a while. We just filled it the other day and have been working with the chemicals and everything, but as of today, it should be good to go for the summer, which is great. As we thought our day was ending we got sent to go help out with housekeeping up in the cabins. We had a group leave today and more people came tonight. So it was a fast turn over and college age boys do not know how to clean showers. So Lisa and I cleaned all the showers in one of the cabins, which was a less than thrilling job to do. It was disgusting. You wouldn't believe how gross boys showers can get in less than a week. (At least they showered, right?) Anyway, I think it was good bonding time, Lisa and I were disgusted together and just kept laughing. Then we had dinner and now I am crashing. I have been standing all day and am whipped.
God definitely showered me with His grace today. There is absolutely no way I would have gotten through it without Him. Girls vaulting at nationals was today and as I was cleaning dirt and hair out of boy's showers, there was a part of me that just wanted to say, "really God? this is what I had to miss nationals for?" I don't really think that is the reason, I have no idea what the reason is, none of it makes sense to me, but it is definitely humbling. I need a servant's heart this summer. I have to become nothing, and God has to become everything. It is not about me. I want to serve these campers and show them what the love of an amazing Savior can do. When I turn towards this kind of mindset, realizing that what I am doing here is furthering God's Kingdom, then my athletic performance becomes so small. I have the opportunity to be a part of high schoolers lives completely changing. I have the opportunity to share the most amazing news in this world with thousands of high schoolers! How amazing is that! There is no comparing when it comes to lives being drastically changed and people entering God's Kingdom. The Lord continues to amaze me with His kindness. That He would shower me with so much grace as I am wallowing in myself. What an amazing Savior we have!
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Sweet sister,
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how challenging all this National stuff must be. It sounds like you're doing a great job preaching truth to yourself.
He is King. He is sovereign. In control of your every BREATH let alone the circumstances in your life. He ordained this. It was on purpose. HE knew about the things you didn't know.
"This God- His way is perfect; the Word of the LORD proves true. He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him." Ps. 18:30
This has been my "theme" verse the last several months. I'm praying that in the midst of hardship and disappointment, you are able to declare with the Psalmist...that THIS GOD...the God of Heaven and earth, the Maker of land and sea, the Savior of men, the Redeemer of your soul...His way...is perfect.
You being mis-informed about Nationals? This is His way.
Christ knew the temptation to question if the Father knew what He was doing more than we could imagine. Let us take comfort in our compassionate, faithful High priest.