Saturday, February 27, 2010

Peace in the midst of Chaos

This past week was crazy. Now I am typically a very busy person, but this week, was insane. The past three days I've only been at my apartment to sleep, and now that I think about it, that was the case for almost every day this week, with the exceptions of a few dinners here.

I started student teaching this week! It has been a ton of fun. I am student teaching with the Ready for Life Academy which actually meets on Calvin's campus. It is awesome. Ready for Life (RFL) is a transitional program for college age students with disabilities. I am only one week in, but I am really enjoying it. It is definitely different from a typical classroom setting, but I know I will learn a lot and I have already loved getting to know the students. It has been really fun, but is certainly time consuming. Adding in full time work to the two sports schedule has been interesting.

The Lord has continued to teach me in this "waiting season." I trust him and I trust his will. I am also ready for it to be over. Just sitting in the unknown is hard. I will find out on Thursday or Friday about diving, and I'm not sure when about track. (more details on track to come)Now that I think of it, maybe it is a huge blessing that I've been so busy. It has definitely made the waiting more bearable. I'm so busy I don't have time to think about it.

I won't bore you with the schedule of my week, but I had student teaching, practice and a night event every day this week. The past three days have been especially crazy. Thursday I left my apartment at 5:50am and got back a little after 8:30pm. Friday I left at 5:30am and got back around 9:30pm. Today I left at 6:40am and got back at 9:30pm. Thursday was full of three practices, student teaching and a scholarship dinner to raise money for Ready for Life (where I'm student teaching). Friday I went to Chicago for the day to do a Chicago Semester Visit. I'm planning on doing my elementary student teaching in Chicago next semester. It was really fun, but an extremely long day. We visited some schools and talked about the program. We then drove back in a blizzard, which is always fun when your extremely tired and have a track meet the next day. Today was the track meet.

It went well. Not spectacular, but I was happy. I had a TON of fun! So that is always good. I felt great and was jumping well. I put the bar at 12 feet, 1 and 1/2 inches and was SO close to clearing it! I had the height, but didn't turn and knocked the bar down with my shoulder. (bad form) But I jumped well and got on a bigger pole, which is always a good thing in vaulting, so that was great. It's not what I was hoping for, but I definitely can't complain. I absolutely love pole vaulting! I can't even explain it. I had so much fun today! It didn't go as planned, but I just have to trust the Lord and his will. Pray that my coach will let me go to a last chance meet next weekend! It would give me one more shot to get to Nationals, and I know I can do it! But he's not sure he wants us going.

Through all of this chaos the Lord has been with me. He has walked every step by my side and I am so grateful for that. Last Sunday I was really overwhelmed with what this week looked like, but I got through it and actually had a blast. The Lord has been teaching me to choose joy throughout my day. Yes it is a lot, and yes there is always more, but I am learning to enjoy and love what I am doing at that moment. And I can only say that because of the Lord. It is his strength and peace that get me through. He is my comfort and source of refuge. He is my peace amongst chaos. And honestly, I am able to be saying all of this, not only through my prayers, but mainly because of my mother's prayers. Mom's prayers are amazing and so powerful! Moms - pray for your kids! It will change their lives. Thanks mom for your continued prayers and the way you allow the Holy Spirit to work! Love you!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

No matter what the circumstances...

The Lord just keeps teaching me new things through my sports. That's where he really gets me. He gets my attention there and when I'm diving or pole vaulting, that is where I feel the Lord's presence. I do in other areas of my life as well, but when I'm doing sports, I'm worshiping. I am so thankful that the Lord has brought me on this journey. Doing sports as worship was something that people around me would just talk about. They would say it could be done and leave it at that. No one ever seemed to dive into, "what does that look like?" The Lord continues to teach me and grow me through sports. I love them! I really really do. If you couldn't tell. I find so much joy in diving and pole vaulting!

Over the last week there are quite a few things God has taught me or revealed to me through sports. The first is: that I'm really bad at being patient. Okay, I already knew that, but this whole waiting game thing for diving and being so close in pole vaulting has been really hard. And it all comes back to trust. Do I really trust that God knows what he's doing? Do I really trust that his will will be done? Do I really trust that he is in control? Well of course I do. I know it, but I don't always have my eyes set on him. I just have to trust. I have to believe that he knows the outcome and it is part of his plan. My job is to trust.

This is going to be a huge thing for me this week and next weekend. Next Saturday I have my last opportunity to improve my spot on the Nationals list. I'm gonna need to clear at least 12 feet. Which I can do. I know I can do it. I've done it in practice, I just have to make it work in the meet. But since I only have one opportunity left, my head freaks out and makes a huge deal out it. I get stressed and anxious. I want it so bad! But then I have to remember to trust. The Lord knows how bad I want it and he knows what the outcome is. When I get this perspective, I can vault because I love it; because I'm having fun. It takes away the stress of trying to qualify when I know that the Lord knows what is going to happen and he is in control. If he doesn't want me to make, then I absolutely don't want to. He knows what he is doing and he has such a huge understanding, while my understanding is so small. He is in control and through knowing that, I can rest in peace. I do not have to be anxious or stressed. I can be patient and wait upon the Lord.

The other thing that the Lord has been teaching me that I was able to apply to vaulting yesterday was worshiping the Lord and blessing his name in all circumstances. Earlier this week I was told a story where a couple in a time of crisis with an unborn baby didn't sit and pray for healing, but prayed for the Lord's will. The wife prayed, "Lord no matter what happens in this situation, I will bless your name." Now that is that attitude we need. I've also been digging into Philippians with my mentor just a little bit and Paul just keeps coming back to the theme of rejoicing in the Lord and giving him praise no matter what the circumstances are! This theme keeps coming up in my life. No matter what happens, no matter what the situation is, I will glorify the Lord and bless his name. Okay, so I know this is a petty example and definitely not the same as losing a baby or being beaten and thrown into prison, but I was able to pray this yesterday when I vaulted. Bad comparison, I know. I just want to go to Nationals so bad and everything was looking really good yesterday. I was jumping at a good height, had a great warm up, I was ready. But I had to pray before the meet started that no matter what happened, no matter what the outcome of the meet was, I was going to bless the Lord's name.

The meet didn't go quite as hoped. I cleared 11'8, but not 12'1 like I was hoping. It was a little disappointing, but at the same time, I have nothing to complain about. I vaulted well and had some good attempts at 12'1. It just didn't all come together. But the Lord still gets the glory! It is still through him and his strength that I am able to pole vault. I will still bless his name! He is still my king and my savior, so I have nothing to be disappointed in! He knows what this next week will bring, and no matter what happens, I will still bless his name.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Recap

Well, it's taken longer than I hoped to get back to my writing. It's been busy. I can't believe it's only been a week since Conference for diving. So much has happened.

So...I'll back up for you for a second. Friday, Conference, things went well. Not quite the dives I was hoping for, but by the Lord's grace, I snuck in to a second Nationals qualification. I was really happy. As the meet was over I just couldn't stop thinking about how amazing our God is. He wanted me to be able to send in a tape. Hands down. There are no other explanations. He is so good and so worthy of our praise! .2 is nothing. It literally was a miracle.

As I was marveling at the Lord's kindness, I was also getting excited for Saturday. Saturday I was going to pole vault at another indoor track meet. I need to get a higher height in order to actually go to Nationals, so was looking forward to doing that. But, back to Friday, after I was done diving in the morning, I ended up going to pole vault practice, since I was going to be vaulting the next day. Diving was done since I couldn't come back at night, so was transitioning over to vaulting. I went to practice and things went well. I was a little tired, understandably so, but pushed through and had a decent practice. I went straight from track practice back to the pool to cheer for the night session. And then this is what happened...

I'm sitting at the diving table, with the computers and everything for the scoring talking to Al, when Joe walks up. Joe is one of my favorite people ever. He's a diving coach (well...we all joke that he's "just and EX-high school coach"... which he is, but he's a really really good coach who knows a TON about diving) and he comes and helps us out a lot. We met him while we had to practice at the high school while our amazing pool was being built the last two years. Anyway, he's awesome and we get along really well. He's always causing trouble...one of those... :) Well, when Joe found out that I wasn't scoring points for the team, lets just say he was less than thrilled... So back to the story...he walks up to me and says, "do you have your suit here?" I said, "Joe, I'm not diving." Again, he asks, "do you have your suit here?" I asked why and told him again that I wasn't diving. A third time, he asked if I had my suit. I looked at him like he was crazy and said "yeah."

I was really confused, but, whatever. Joe is crazy. So as I'm talking to Al I see Joe walking around and talking to all the diving coaches of the other teams there. He was up to something, I knew it. Joe is always up to something. So I start to get the idea that Joe wants to make something work so that I can dive at night. I REALLY didn't want to. I walked into the locker room and just started to pray. I was tired, I had just pole vaulted after diving all morning, and had COMPLETELY checked out of the meet mentally. I whinned to God for a little bit telling him how I didn't want to dive, and then got over myself and just said, "ok Lord, if you really want me to dive tonight, I will." Yeah...you say that, and then 3 seconds later you eat your words.

So I come out of the locker room and my coach Aaron is there. He says, "you need to go talk to Joe." So I find Joe and he sits me down. He tells me that he's talked to all of the diving coaches and all of them have agreed. If I want to, I can dive tonight, as a ninth diver, still not counting for points, but as an opportunity to try and qualify for Nationals again and get a better meet tape. He said it was totally up to me. He didn't care either way. They had to run it by the Conference Committee, but they didn't want to ask them if it was okay if I didn't want to do it. Now, I really really did not want to dive. Did I mention that? But at the same time, I knew I would be crazy to pass up an opportunity. Especially one that caught me off guard (which means I didn't have time to freak out about my dives) and one that completely didn't matter. How I dove that night, didn't matter at all. I had already gotten my two qualifying scores and I wasn't counting for points. So I said I would do it.

The committee voted and unanimously decided to let me dive again that night. Which was really awesome, because like I had said earlier, that was the real reason I was sad I didn't count for points. I now had that opportunity back.

Oh yeah, and all this happened in about 3 minutes, while all the girl divers were warming up. Turns out we didn't need to warm up that early cause swimming took forever, but it was fine. It was just hard because we kept warming up thinking we were up soon. Warming up so many times was just draining my energy. I had already been diving all morning and then went to track and was now diving again. It was all too crazy.

Well, I dive a lot better without any pressure or expectations, so that was good. I was able to improve my score from the morning by a couple points, and I ended up qualifying again! So it was a successful night. And the Lord gets all the glory! I am so blessed to have people looking out for me and so willing to make things work for my benefit. It really is a huge blessing.

So after a very exhausting day, I came home and blogged for a little bit, but wasn't able to get all of that down before. So there was my Friday last week.

Saturday I vaulted. I was feeling pretty good, definitely tired, but really wanted to jump well. It was a really really big meet that we were at and there were 36 girl vaulters. Thats a lot. That is a lot of people to have warm up and vault. It takes a really long time. Because there were so many girls, and because I skipped the first couple heights (you can decide when you want to come in) I had a while to wait. The whole waiting game is hard. Again, like the night before, I kept having to warm up. Once I started vaulting, there were many times that I had 30-40 minutes in between my jumps. That meant that I had to sit down and wait, and then warm up again. Every time I warmed up I just kept getting nervous about the amount of energy I was using. I just knew I didn't have a lot. My whole body hurt. And I was beyond exhaustion. Needless to say, the meet didn't go as well as I had hoped. I cleared 11'4, which isn't terrible, but didn't get 11'10 like I had the meet before and didn't even have the opportunity to jump at 12'4 which is what I was hoping to clear. My last three vaults I literally had to tell myself to put every ounce of energy I had into it. I had nothing left. I actually ended up calling my mom on my drive back because I didn't want to fall asleep, and this was like 4 in the afternoon. My body had just had enough.



So I then headed back to the pool to cheer for the final night session. Conference is such a long meet! Well... the Lady Knights came out victorious! We got first for the 6th year in a row! We're trying to break the record for consecutive wins...our rivals have it at 10...so we're working towards at least 11. Hopefully we'll see that day come in the future. It is exciting to be on such a good team. I don't know what it is like to not win Conference. Actually in either sport. It was a fun and good meet, but too long if you ask me. I was utterly exhausted by the end.

Sorry for my sports ranting. It is such a huge part of my life right now. Sorry if I am being really boring...

Friday, February 12, 2010

Today...

Just a warning, this post is probably going to be pretty long. If you don't want to read it, there is a short summary of everything at the bottom of the post. :)

So today was the day for diving. I was already pretty nervous last night. While I am a pretty competitive person, when it comes to diving, I'm not a very good competitor. I get nervous and tense in meets, which results in dives that are way worse than normal. Not very fun. So last night I was already feeling anxious. I just kept doubting myself. It almost wasn't even that I was doubting my dives, but doubting that I would get the Nationals cut I needed. I was already getting scared of coming home the next day disappointed. I think that was a big thing for me, I just didn't want to end my diving career unhappy with my last performance. But yet it was this fear that would probably make me dive poorly. Vicious cycle of the mind.

I had already qualified for Nationals earlier this season, but to get to Nationals for diving is quite complicated. You have to qualify twice, then send in a tape and then get invited to the meet. Because I had only qualified once, I needed to do it again in order to send in a tape. And this was my last chance.

I just kept praying and talking to the Lord. I had to remind myself that he is sovereign. He knew if I was going to qualify or not. And he was in control of the whole situation. If he wanted me to qualify, he could make it happen. If he didn't, then I was going to have to be okay with that. I could still be glorifying him and giving him the praise. I kept telling myself I had to have a good attitude no matter what.

So this is how my meet this morning went. I was anxious. I really wanted to do well. I don't dive well at all when this is the case so just kept trying not to think about it. First dive: front double (two somersaults) pike. My hurdle was horrendous and I essentially did it from standing (not typically a dive you do from standing) Anyway, it was far from my best. Not a great way to start off the meet. I tried to get past it and just think about my next dive. My front two and half pike. Again, terrible hurdle and I left it short. (Translation: not good) Those are the two dives I can do in my sleep. They're the ones I count on to start me off on a good note. I just kept trying to tell myself to have fun. But in the back of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about how I was slowly throwing away my opportunity to make it to Nationals. My third dive didn't go so well. Again, a horrible hurdle, which just sets you up for a bad dive. After that they started to pick up a little bit. My inward one and half was pretty good and things started to click a little better. The rest of the meet was fine. It wasn't anything extremely grand and exciting, but it wasn't awful either.

At Calvin we have a great score board where we can see our scores for the dive and our total score by that point in the meet. I didn't want to look at my total scores cause then I just start doing math and try to figure out what I need to do on each dive in order to get enough points. When that happens, I end up thinking about the points more than what I need to do in order to get them. So I didn't look at my total score. I looked after my 6 dives to see if I qualified, and I was about 15 points off. I knew I didn't make it, I didn't dive that well. So I now just had to hope my 11 dive score was enough.

I did my last dive and looked up at the scoreboard. My total before that dive was in the 360's. The judges scores hadn't come up yet and knew that I had to have done well on that dive in order to make it. I didn't know if it was good enough. It felt good, but...and then 395.20 pops up on the screen! Talk about cutting it close! I needed 395 to qualify and I did it by 0.20!

THAT is what I call JESUS! You just don't get closer than that. In diving 0.20 is nothing. Had one judge given me a half a point less on one of my dives and I wouldn't have made it. That just screams out the Lord's power! He wanted me to make it. 0.20 short of 395 would have been really hard. But like I said earlier, the Lord is sovereign. Had that have happened, I would have known the Lord did not want me to make the cut. But in his grace, I made it by the skin of my teeth! It was so relieving. That weight just lifted off. I get to send in a tape. And my tape doesn't have to be from today, it can be from any meet this season. God is good! He gets all the glory! It is truly truly only because of him that I made it today.

To His name be the glory and praise! Only by his grace, only through his strength.

So that was just the first half of the day. Lots more happened. Lots. It was all really crazy. Really crazy. I was hoping I could write about it tonight, but I just don't have time. I'll have to do it tomorrow. I need to get some rest, I have a track meet tomorrow. I'd really like to get something over 12 feet tomorrow. Please be praying. 12 feet 7 and 3/4 inches is the automatic height. That would be really super awesome, and would take away this crazy waiting game cause I would be in for sure, but it is also a bit ambitious. I know I can do it though.

Sorry to have to run. Also, I hate doing this, but if I don't I get people who are mad at me for not telling them. I was in the Grand Rapids Press this morning. Here is the site you want to read it. (Just copy and paste this into the browser, sorry I couldn't figure out how to put in in as a link) http://www.mlive.com/smallcolleges/grandrapids/index.ssf/2010/02/calvins_joy_leach_looks_to_qua.html

Summary Version:
Diving today didn't go as well as I had hoped, BUT I did still get a National qualifying cut! Just barely. I needed a 395 and I got a 395.20 - Praise Jesus! Also, track meet tomorrow, pray it goes well.

More to come, I promise...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Competitive Christian?

Is that an oxymoron?

Is being competitive a sin?

When you compete you want to beat someone. Is that okay?

Sports require competition. Period. You can't have sports without it.

But with competition often comes pride; lifting yourself higher than others. Pride is a sin. Pride is not of the Lord. So can a Christian really compete?

These are the kinds of questions that have been running through my head. What does it mean to be humble, do sports for God's glory, but also be a fierce competitor?

I think there is a fine line between being competitive and being prideful. I think there is a place for competition. There has to be. There is a place for sports in a God glorifying Christian lifestyle and sports require competition. If there wasn't any competition in sports, they would be pointless. You play for a final result. There are others reasons as well, but if at the end, if there isn't a team that wins and a team that doesn't, what is the point of the game?

I've been struggling with this as I've been mentally preparing for Conference. It starts tomorrow! Crazy. I don't dive until Friday afternoon.

But for me, sports is 95% mental. For real. There is strength and technique in diving and pole vaulting, but so much of that has to do with the way you think. Confidence is a big thing for me. I have to be confident in my dives and vaults. I have to know that I know what I'm doing. I've done it before. A million times. As meets unfold this is something I am constantly coaching myself through. The second I doubt myself and my abilities, my hurdle messes up or my step gets off.

A huge part of sports is what you believe you can accomplish. I have to go into Friday's meet knowing that I have the ability to make it to Nationals. Yes, this is absolutely a God given ability. It is not through me and my efforts, but what he has done and can do through me. I have to go in, knowing that there are girls that I can beat. That's how the mental game of sports goes.

If you come to a race and while standing at the starting line, look to the athlete next to you and think, "your better than me and are going to beat me" you have just given that person the victory. There is no way you could beat them going into it with that kind of mindset. So where does humility fit in?

With this, I'm really not quite sure. I feel like it depends on how you see humility. Is it making yourself less to others? Lifting others above yourself? Or does it really just come down to your relationship with the Lord? Do we just need to be humble before the Lord and that will end up coming out in the way we live? I don't know. I've been wrestling with this for the past couple weeks. I've talked to a lot of people and still feel like I haven't found an answer that captures all of it.

If humility is making myself less in regards to others, it is really hard to pair that with a confident attitude. It also seems to lessen who we are in God's eyes. Who he has created us to be. He didn't create us to have everyone become less than the people around them. If that were the case we wouldn't have bold confidence. Leaders would be scarce. We are supposed to celebrate in the people God has created us to be. Not for our glory, but for His. God has given me talent. He has given me this absolute love for sports. He has given me the discipline and determination to go to practice day in and day out. I am to use these gifts! Not in pride, in humility. But what does that look like?

If humility is having confidence in yourself, but putting others ahead of you, then we come back again to the idea of thinking others will be better than you in sports as well. Maybe that is bad logic, I made a couple jumps, but hopefully you get the idea...

And then if humility is just between us and God, what does that look like to others? We are to pursue humility. When we say that someone is humble, it is not because they are always humble, but because they actively pursue humility (information courtesy of the sister:)) So what does actively pursuing humility look like while being a strong competitor?

I think its a pretty complicated question and I don't have the answer. Insights are gladly appreciated.

Sorry if that was boring and complicated. Just a rant I had to go on...

Thursday, February 4, 2010

We're all just little pencils


I would say that things are looking up since last night. Praying about all of this and spending time with the Lord has helped a lot. Putting things into perspective. Big Picture: it doesn't matter in the least bit. I just have to continually get over myself. It stinks that I have to do that continually. You'd think you would learn after a couple times. Nope, it is rooted in who I am.

I didn't get much sleep last night and woke up just feeling overwhelmed. I wasn't done dealing with everything and still had some thinking and sorting out to do. We started our class with a little devotional. It was an interview someone had with Mother Teresa. At one point she said, "It is his work. I am like a little pencil in his hand. That is all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it. The pencil has only to be allowed to be used. In human terms, the success of our work should not have happened."

I like that image. We are just pencils; instruments. God is in control, he is writing our stories. He is creating the story. We are just to allow him to use us. That's what I want. I just want to be used by God. I also like the idea she suggests about success. The success of our work shouldn't have ever happened, had it not been for God. He is the reason. He is the source. So why do we consider this success for ourselves?

Every gift is from God. We are just pencils in his hand. He is the author. The creator. He knows where the story is going. He wants to use us though. We have to be willing. We have to allow him to use us.

Once I step back and look at this whole situation with diving, it all becomes so small. It doesn't really matter. So I don't count for points. Big whoop. That does not define me. It doesn't define my impact on the team or the potential for my capabilities. I want my heart to be buried in Christ, not in the recognition of the outside world. I dive for him. For his glory. May his name be praised in all that I do.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Opportunities cut in half

Every year on the swim team there are "technically" more people on the team than can have. At our conference championship meet you are only allowed to have 18 people count for points, even if other people could get points as well. This is a grueling task that Dan, our head coach, faces every year. There always seems to be drama or arguments when it is decided who scores points for the team and who doesn't. Everyone is a part of the team and when one girl scores points, it is because of her teammates pushing her, that she was able to do so. We all know this, but at the same time, of course everyone wants to be someone who gets to count for points.

God just really hit me. I had an absolutely amazing night at Crossroads College Group Kick Off. It was awesome. The Lord showed up and moved in hearts. I got back and checked my email.

I don't get to count for points this year.

That hit me pretty hard. Honestly, harder than I thought it would. I was a little shocked. Not flabbergasted or completely blind-sided, but shocked. I knew that it was a possibility, but didn't see it as a reality. It's all complicated and I don't completely feel like explaining it, but essentially, divers count as 1/3 of a person. So 3 divers only take up one spot. We have four girl divers though, so that would be two spots. I only do one board. Part of it makes sense.

I have had just about every emotion hit my body and every thought go through my head. At first I was kind of mad. Then a little upset, which surprised me. I kept telling myself that I know Dan made the best decision for the team. But the really sucky part for me: I only have one opportunity to try and make it to Nationals now. The four possible ways, have been cut to two ways. My first six dive score, or my total eleven dive score, which really only leaves one shot. If my first six don't go well, it effects both totals and I don't get to do them over. If I make top eight, it doesn't matter. I don't get to dive that night, and I can't place in the meet. I'll be honest. This sucks. Standing on that podium is no longer an option. I feel like what I've been working towards the last 6 months just got pulled out from under me.

Next emotion/thought process: prove them wrong. The next thing that came through my mind was, "okay Dan, I'll show you that you made a bad decision." Terrible, I know. Just trying to be honest. This fire built inside of me and I just wanted to say, "wait and see what I can do." There is still a part of me that had that drive. "Yeah, watch and see how the girl that didn't even count for points, ends up on the team that goes to Nationals."

And then I have to re-evaluate. Why am I so upset about this? Am I doing it for the spot on that podium? Do I feel that I have to compare myself to others? I didn't think so, but then why am I so bothered? Definitely makes me look at my purpose and intentions again. I thought they were set straight. Maybe not. A positive aspect to it, is that there is no longer any pressure! I hate pressure and do really awful under pressure, so at least that is a good thing.

Uh. I'm frustrated. So many thoughts going through my head. I don't know which ones are okay and which ones I need to change. This whole idea of coming out as a fierce competitor and proving that I can do it, is that okay? I only have one opportunity to say, "this is the place I would have gotten, had I counted for points." Is that pride or is that believing in myself and my capabilities? I don't know. I'm sure there is pride rooted in it. I hate that. I hate pride. I am so sick and tired of myself. Why do I always have to think of myself first? How disgusting.

But there is part of me that has to convince myself to keep going. I do have talent, it is all from God, and I do have something to show the world. There is just this side of me that wants to give up. What's the point? This season is so long and takes such a tole on me. I was already having trouble staying in it mentally. And now this. I've poured so much into this, and now it doesn't even matter? BAD! Bad thinking Joy!

I do have talent. It is from God. And the purpose of me doing this sport is to bring him glory. Can I still glorify him at conference? Absolutely! Does God care that I don't count for points? Not one bit! Can I still glorify God in my attitude and work ethic? Absolutely!

It's not about me. It is all about him. I have to continually repeat this to myself. I can still make it to Nationals. And if I don't, its okay. God still gets the glory and hopefully his name will be lifted higher either way. Enough about me. I'm so sick and tired of me. It's not about you, Joy! Get over it!

Do I not trust the Lord? Do I think he doesn't know what he is doing? How arrogant. Of course he knows what he is doing. For one, I already know that he is really digging into my heart to see if I am actually doing this for His glory. Lord I trust you. I trust you. I trust you. I trust you. You know what you are doing. You have my heart. Take it. Use me. This is not my life to live. You have bought me, you have paid the price. Do with me what you will.

I know this is where I need to be. I'm not completely there quite yet, but I'm getting there. I will be there soon. This is an opportunity to embrace humility. Wow I'm bad at doing that. Please be praying. That God would capture my heart and I would let go of the things of this world. Podium places, point values, recognition. I don't want any of it. That is deep within my heart and it needs to come bursting forth. I covet your prayers.