Opportunities cut in half

Every year on the swim team there are "technically" more people on the team than can have. At our conference championship meet you are only allowed to have 18 people count for points, even if other people could get points as well. This is a grueling task that Dan, our head coach, faces every year. There always seems to be drama or arguments when it is decided who scores points for the team and who doesn't. Everyone is a part of the team and when one girl scores points, it is because of her teammates pushing her, that she was able to do so. We all know this, but at the same time, of course everyone wants to be someone who gets to count for points.

God just really hit me. I had an absolutely amazing night at Crossroads College Group Kick Off. It was awesome. The Lord showed up and moved in hearts. I got back and checked my email.

I don't get to count for points this year.

That hit me pretty hard. Honestly, harder than I thought it would. I was a little shocked. Not flabbergasted or completely blind-sided, but shocked. I knew that it was a possibility, but didn't see it as a reality. It's all complicated and I don't completely feel like explaining it, but essentially, divers count as 1/3 of a person. So 3 divers only take up one spot. We have four girl divers though, so that would be two spots. I only do one board. Part of it makes sense.

I have had just about every emotion hit my body and every thought go through my head. At first I was kind of mad. Then a little upset, which surprised me. I kept telling myself that I know Dan made the best decision for the team. But the really sucky part for me: I only have one opportunity to try and make it to Nationals now. The four possible ways, have been cut to two ways. My first six dive score, or my total eleven dive score, which really only leaves one shot. If my first six don't go well, it effects both totals and I don't get to do them over. If I make top eight, it doesn't matter. I don't get to dive that night, and I can't place in the meet. I'll be honest. This sucks. Standing on that podium is no longer an option. I feel like what I've been working towards the last 6 months just got pulled out from under me.

Next emotion/thought process: prove them wrong. The next thing that came through my mind was, "okay Dan, I'll show you that you made a bad decision." Terrible, I know. Just trying to be honest. This fire built inside of me and I just wanted to say, "wait and see what I can do." There is still a part of me that had that drive. "Yeah, watch and see how the girl that didn't even count for points, ends up on the team that goes to Nationals."

And then I have to re-evaluate. Why am I so upset about this? Am I doing it for the spot on that podium? Do I feel that I have to compare myself to others? I didn't think so, but then why am I so bothered? Definitely makes me look at my purpose and intentions again. I thought they were set straight. Maybe not. A positive aspect to it, is that there is no longer any pressure! I hate pressure and do really awful under pressure, so at least that is a good thing.

Uh. I'm frustrated. So many thoughts going through my head. I don't know which ones are okay and which ones I need to change. This whole idea of coming out as a fierce competitor and proving that I can do it, is that okay? I only have one opportunity to say, "this is the place I would have gotten, had I counted for points." Is that pride or is that believing in myself and my capabilities? I don't know. I'm sure there is pride rooted in it. I hate that. I hate pride. I am so sick and tired of myself. Why do I always have to think of myself first? How disgusting.

But there is part of me that has to convince myself to keep going. I do have talent, it is all from God, and I do have something to show the world. There is just this side of me that wants to give up. What's the point? This season is so long and takes such a tole on me. I was already having trouble staying in it mentally. And now this. I've poured so much into this, and now it doesn't even matter? BAD! Bad thinking Joy!

I do have talent. It is from God. And the purpose of me doing this sport is to bring him glory. Can I still glorify him at conference? Absolutely! Does God care that I don't count for points? Not one bit! Can I still glorify God in my attitude and work ethic? Absolutely!

It's not about me. It is all about him. I have to continually repeat this to myself. I can still make it to Nationals. And if I don't, its okay. God still gets the glory and hopefully his name will be lifted higher either way. Enough about me. I'm so sick and tired of me. It's not about you, Joy! Get over it!

Do I not trust the Lord? Do I think he doesn't know what he is doing? How arrogant. Of course he knows what he is doing. For one, I already know that he is really digging into my heart to see if I am actually doing this for His glory. Lord I trust you. I trust you. I trust you. I trust you. You know what you are doing. You have my heart. Take it. Use me. This is not my life to live. You have bought me, you have paid the price. Do with me what you will.

I know this is where I need to be. I'm not completely there quite yet, but I'm getting there. I will be there soon. This is an opportunity to embrace humility. Wow I'm bad at doing that. Please be praying. That God would capture my heart and I would let go of the things of this world. Podium places, point values, recognition. I don't want any of it. That is deep within my heart and it needs to come bursting forth. I covet your prayers.