Struggle City

It's been a while. This week was beyond anything I could handle. And it was supposed to be a relaxing one. It was busy and hectic and too many things to do. Lots going on and not much time to write, nor do I really feel like it right now. Just wanted to update since its been so long. Maybe I'll be back later tonight. The best description I have is "Struggle City."

Hard. Easy. Easy. Hard.

His ways are higher than my ways. His ways are higher than my ways. His ways are higher than my ways. I am having to continually repeat this to myself right now. I just got overwhelmed with the feeling of being tired of trusting God. I feel like so often I am left without answers and without an understanding. I just sometimes wish I knew why. Why does he take away things we love, or not give us things we desire? I know he has a better plan. I know he has a better way. But my flesh wants to understand. I know that's not my job. It's not my job to understand. Sometimes I just want to though.

Arg. Why is trusting God so hard sometimes? Uh! Listen to me. When it's easy, I want it to be hard. When it's hard, I want it to be easy. How foolish! I need to enjoy where God has me. I need to embrace it. I need to embrace the utter dependence. God help me. I need you.

Number One

It's Thursday. Well, I guess now it is technically Friday. Thursdays are my really long days. It is now 12:34am and I have been up since 4:56am and I don't want to go to sleep. I had an awesome day. The Lord's grace goes way beyond sufficient. I can't even begin to explain. I am on fire right now. I want to sing and dance and praise God with all that I am! He astounds me.

I knew today was going to be a good day. I had just finished a dream and was rolling over when my alarm went off this morning. I didn't hit the snooze button and I got out of bed. That is only because of his grace! I've been struggling to get up in the morning and the Lord just woke me up, got me to my feet and sent me into his Word. Days that we have dryland early in the morning it's harder for me to spend a significant amount of time in the Word. The Lord got me up this morning and I started my day well. Giving him the details and control of each moment.

I literally just went through today drenched in his grace. His hand was upon me and he carried me the whole way. I don't even know how to explain it. I coasted through only by this wind of grace that was pushing me. Classes went well, I got to take about an hour nap which was an amazing nap, and then I had more class. It all went really well.

So then after my day was about done at 9:00pm I headed out to see what this whole barn thing was all about. I don't know if you remember, but some guys that I met on the retreat told me about doing worship and bible study in this barn on Thursday nights. It made for a really long Thursday, but I don't have class tomorrow, so it actually worked out well. It was awesome.

I loved it. The Lord was in that place and people were just being real. Uh! I love being real. All the fake crap I see so often gets so frustrating. It was so refreshing. These three brothers that I met on the retreat, that told me about it and are the ones who started it, are awesome. I don't really know them very well, but there is seriously something different about them and I want it. Their passion and love for the Lord is contagious. They have something that I want. What an awesome quality. I pray that I am the kind of person that people see Christ in me and say that I have something they want. It was an awesome night.

There were about 15 of us and we shared testimonies and got to know each other and looked at 2 Peter a little bit. It was the Lord. He was in that place. I could go on for a while, but there is just one thing that I want to share as a take-away. It answered a huge question for me from a post a couple weeks ago.

So Jon tells us this story he heard from someone. The starter question is, how would you react, if I told you that God didn't want to be your number one? That he just didn't want it, he didn't want you to set him in "priority number one."

Our responses were that, that was crazy and a lie and just not true. Well...here's a little analogy for you.

So there's this business man. He lives in the U.S. and has a wife he loves. Because of his job he travels all the time. He's constantly gone and constantly in other countries and traveling from place to place. Over the course of some time, he ends up having four additional wives. He goes on living multiple lives for a while and then decides he should tell his wife. So he finally works up the courage to tell his wife that he has four other wives, but don't worry, he assured her that she was his "number one wife."

I like the analogy. God doesn't want to just be number one. He wants to be one, two, three, four, five...etc. If he's number one and something else is number two, he's not a part of number two. God wants to be more than our number one. He wants to be our lives. This put things into perspective for me and assured me that its maybe even a good thing I don't have my priorities listed. As long as God is all of them, I'm set.

I had a great night. The Lord filled me with his Spirit and I just feel alive and refreshed. It's now after one in the morning and I haven't been up this late in who knows how long. Hopefully I won't be sorry tomorrow. His grace is sufficient.

BEING

This weekend was awesome. We had the Crossroads College Age Retreat from Friday to Saturday and it was fantastic. The Lord showed up and met us where we were. The theme was Being. Being with God, Being with others, and Being Christ to others. We had three different sessions and someone different spoke about each topic. It was awesome, and challenging, and so good.

There was an extremely small turnout from Calvin and I didn't really have any close friends there. It was such a great opportunity to meet so many new people! We played games and talked and had some ice-breakers, and I'm really excited about some of the people I was able to meet. There was such passion in everyone that was there and it was so contagious.

The first talk was Being with God. Will shared from the word and through experience about prayer. It was definitely challenging, but something I needed to hear. I love prayer and the power of prayer. I've learned a lot about it over the past year or so. I know the power it has and I love it, yet I don't dedicate enough time to it. I'm good about my devotions, but I don't go get away for an extended period of time and only pray. We looked at Matthew 6:1,5-15. Will talked about literally going into the closet and praying. I started to brainstorm, where my closet could be. I don't really have a literal closet to use, especially since I share a room. I want somewhere that I can't be interrupted. And what I came up with is the dark and scary basement of our apartment. My plan is to clean it up, decorate, and have a place to get away and pray. It was an encouraging message that challenged me. It challenged me in an exciting way. I want my prayer life to become stronger and my relationship with the Lord to grow. A phrase that he shared with us, I really liked was "Prayer is really simple. But it's not easy." He talked about getting up in the morning and not wanting to pray. Our flesh takes over and we just don't want to do it. In those times, if we pray, "God I want to want you more than I do right now" He will show up and change our hearts. The Lord promises that when we seek him, or when we draw near to him, he will draw near to us. We have to do our part, and he promises to do his.

That night we hung out and played some games. We played telephone charades, which ended up being hilarious. I also ended up making a complete fool out of myself. We were given a scenario and we had to act it out, while someone who didn't know the scenario would watch. They would then act it out for the next person who didn't know what was going on, and so on. So I went first and my scenario was that I was a monkey in the jungle. I was swinging from vine to vine collecting bananas. Then I stopped and ate some of my bananas. (Then some college boys chimed in on the scenario) I then had to fight off a lion who tried to steal my bananas. I won and had to wear his head as a crown. Yeah. Try acting that out. It was ridiculous. I made a complete fool out of myself and looked like an idiot. But who cares? right? It was really fun, we all laughed and had a great time.

The next morning Derrick talked about being with others. We looked at 2 Timothy 2:1-7, which I wouldn't typically pick out as a "fellowship" group of verses, but he did a really great job. There were a couple take-aways for me. The first is that Paul tells us to rejoice! Twice. And coming from Paul, and his situation, we can rejoice in all of life's trials and circumstances. And we can rejoice because God's grace is sufficient. Derrick also talked about how we all need to have a Paul in our life (a mentor) and a Timothy in our life (a mentee). This is something that I have been praying about for a while and am continuing to pray about. Another thing that stuck out to me was a question he asked. We were talking about suffering. That we will suffer and we need to suffer well. This whole health, wealth and prosperity gospel that is going around is a bunch of crap. We will suffer. But he asked a question that I liked. He asked, "are you a threat to Satan?" If the answer is no, they we're not going after God like we should. If the answer is yes, you will have suffering in your life. There was a lot more that I liked too, but this is already getting long, so I'm going to move on to the third session.

DanMike talked about Being Christ to Others. We looked at Philippians 4:4-9. The two big questions he asked were, How big is God to me? And How does my life prove it? One thing he hit really hard was control. Too much control and we get anxious because we need every detail planned out. Too little control and we get anxious because we have no idea where we're headed. We have to give God the control. See a theme in my life? :) Present our requests to him, and he will give us peace. Twice in these verses God promises his peace which passes all understanding. We also looked at verse 8 and thought about what a world would look like if we did this. It says, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." What would our world look like, or what would we look like if we only thought about things that were true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? We would be much more encouraging, and much more approachable.

The worship sessions were great and the whole weekend was a blast. We built relationships with each other and strengthened our relationships with the Lord. It was awesome and all because of the Lord.

As we were leaving I started talking to a couple guys who go to Calvin. I really wanted to connect with some Calvin people cause I really want to see the Calvin/Crossroads community do something real on campus. I ended up talking to these brothers who just seemed like awesome people. Definitely on fire for the Lord and had the same mindset as me as far as Calvin and Crossroads. They told me about this thing that people have been doing on Thursday nights. A bunch of people from Calvin and Cornerstone (another nearby Christian college) have been getting together in a barn for worship and bible study. It sounded awesome. Just people getting together and getting in the Word. So hopefully I'll be able to check it out at some point. It sounds amazing. I just am still praying about my commitments, time and schedule. I have to learn to say no to things, even if they are good things, if God doesn't want me there.

I then ended the weekend with Michelle spending the night, church, coaching, and community group. Spending time with Michelle was absolutely amazing. I love that girl to death and am so thankful for our friendship. We had a sweet time together. It was a great weekend.

Without Fail

The Holy Spirit is real and alive and amazing. The past couple weeks in my morning devotions I've been starting by writing in my prayer journal. I'll write and get out what is on my heart. Sometimes the theme or topic shifts as I'm writing, but I just go with it. It's the Holy Spirit. And then I open up my devotional that I love. It is short paragraphs written from the perspective of God that are based on scripture. The past couple weeks, everytime I open to the day's devotional, it has to do with exactly what I was praying about. Everyday. Without fail. Random topics, reoccuring topics, mindsets, changes of heart, all of it. Exactly what I was praying. Exactly what I need to hear.

This just blows me away. It shouldn't, but it does. I love it! The Holy Spirit is at work and the Lord knows what he wants me thinking about that day, or what things I need to be giving up. His ways are so much higher than my ways. I then get to look up the scripture references and meditate on them as well. It's been good. I've been learning a lot and have to constantly turn everything over to the Lord. Whatever his will is, let it be done in my life.

Victory

Well, week one is over. Diving started this week and I made it through. I am still alive and in quite good spirits. It was hard and a long week for sure, but I survived. It was definitely fun to get back into things and get back on the boards. We have five new freshman, so I'm starting to build relationships with them as well. It's been fun so far.

I also started aiding on Wednesday and I love my placement! I've only been once, but I know I'm going to learn a ton and really enjoy it. My teacher is great. She really genuinely cares for her students and goes above and beyond. I am in a Kindergarten and First grade Mildly Cognitively Impaired classroom at an urban elementary school. The kids are absolutely adorable and I love them already.

My Thursday was killer. I was on campus from 5:50am to 9:00pm. Longest day ever. We had dryland from 6-7:30am, then I had class all day, then stuck around for a little practice (I just worked on the trampoline since I couldn't make our practice time) then had a little break and then had night class. My breaks weren't long enough to go home, so I just tried to get some work done and caught up with some friends. It was so long though and I was exhausted.

The Lord has been so faithful though. Through all of this. He never leaves my side. Really. Just think about that. He is always there! He is always with me. Amazing! It was definitely a week where I had to keep relying on him, keep trusting him and holding my hands open. I'm taking it one day at a time. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I also had a fantastic conversation with one of my professors about my placement for student teaching next semester. I'm going to be doing track and the schedules conflict quite a bit. I don't get Calvin's spring break, I get the school that I'm at's spring break, which gets interesting because we do a Track Training Trip over spring break. So we talked a lot of things out about trying to make it work so that I can go. He was so understanding and is really willing to work with me. It was totally the Lord. Nothing is completely set, but we started the conversation and it went better than I could have imagined.

After that conversation I was just thinking about how many people have had to be flexible and understanding with my schedule. It just points me straight to God because there is no way in the world all these people would be so willing to work with me, if it wasn't for Him. His hand is in all these situations and he is paving the road for me. I just stand in awe. He is amazing. He's challenging me and I'm learning a lot. Definitely a situation I love to be in. It's hard while your going through it, but it is so fruitful in the end.

This Way and That

Time management is something that I would consider myself pretty good at. I have learned how to juggle a lot. I feel like God has called me to many different things and the recurring theme is that if he wants me to do them all, he has to do it. I have learned how to say no to things, even good things, and sometimes that is really hard for me. Right now I feel like I am in a place where I have said yes to too much, but at the same time feel called to all the things that I am doing. I am continually praying for direction and want my eyes to be open to the things that are my desire but not God's desire. I currently feel like there is too much. Too much for a 24 hour day. But then I come to my senses and just surrender it to the Lord. If it is his will that I do all that I am doing, it will all work out. I don't have to have it planned out, I don't have to know what every day brings. All he requires of me is that I trust him. And I do.

I know that I just blogged about all of this, but it seemed to come full circle again last night. I went over to my guy friend's house and hung out. I had a really great conversation with two of my friends. Two guys who I truly love and are dear dear friends of mine. We were just being really honest with each other. I loved it. But it was definitely hard. They approached me about my priorities, something that gets hinted at often, and I knew was coming. It was really hard to hear. Like harder than I would have imagined.

I just get so frustrated and feel so torn. One of them straight out said that I put school before relationships and sports before relationships. I don't spend enough time with them. It's true. I didn't even try to argue. I know that I do, and I honestly don't know what to do about it.

Relationships are really important to me. They are. I love building relationships with people and talking and sharing life. When I am at school I get pulled and tugged in so many different directions I don't even know where to begin.

God is my number one priority. I know that. My relationship with him is more important than any relationship I have ever had or will ever have. Without God I can literally do nothing.

And after number one, honestly, I get really confused. I know that I am called to be here at Calvin College and in the Special Education program. I know that and I am confident in it. It requires a lot. The number of hours put into it are more than the credit hours. One of my classes is a four credit class that requires 11 hours a week, and that's not including homework, reading and assignments. It's a lot.

I also know that I am called to be an athlete here at Calvin, and right now (it very well could change) I feel strongly that God has called me to do two sports, well really three if you count indoor and outdoor. It's new, and different, and I don't know if it's been done before, but if it is what the Lord is calling me to, I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it with excellence. And honestly, I feel like excellence is where I get in trouble.

Young Life has done a great job of teaching me about striving for excellence. You work really really hard and do a lot of work to make something just a little bit better (even if it's something no one will notice). I want to give things 110%. I feel like I don't know how to do differently. It drives me crazy to know that I didn't do something to the best of my ability. I feel like I cheat God and myself.

So in being called to be a student and an athlete and to be them with excellence, it requires that I get a lot of sleep. I know, this probably sounds stupid that sleep would be such a priority in my life, but in order to do the things God has called me to with excellence, I need sleep. I need a lot of sleep. In my family, if you don't sleep, you get sick. Plain and simple. When I'm tired, I don't practice well, I can't pay attention in class and I am a horrible person to be around. I get grumpy and cranky and it's just not a pretty sight. It is also the absolute worst feeling in the world to me. I hate the feeling of not being able to keep my eyes open and not having the capacity to think clearly. I would rather be sick than exhausted, and getting sick because of exhaustion is definitely the worst.

This is getting long. I'm sorry. I say all of this to say that I'm torn. Because I spend so much time on school and sports I have so little time for other things (yet somehow I have so many other things right now). And because of this, it is my relationships that suffer. It was so hard to hear such a good friend tell me he saw me as a friend, but not that good of a friend because I'm never around. I don't want to leave college without any relationships that are going to last.

Even within the realm of relationships, I get torn a lot. With so little time, which relationships do I choose to put time into? My friends from my floor? or the divers? or the swim team as a whole? or the track team? or the people I live with? What about the other college students from Crossroads? Or my friend from home? Or even my family? Then there are people from camp who I love so much. There are so many good and important relationships that require so much of my time. I feel strongly about all of them too. I want to continue the relationships with the divers who I already know, I would love to help mentor a freshman diver who is juggling so many changes. I love my friends from my floor. I am so glad I was able to build relationships outside of my teams. Yet the relationships on a team are so important. Those are the people that support me through the highs and lows of practice and performance; even just life. There is another part of me that wants to pour myself into the college group at Crossroads. There is something different about doing life with people who hear the same messages as you every Sunday and are being challenged in the same areas. I also live in a very intentional community. We are required to have small group once a week. These are all people who share a passion for sports and I want to dive into these relationships as well. I've already really enjoyed getting to know my roommate better. It is totally the Lord that we are living together. And then there is home. I don't even get the chance to talk to my family once a week. I would love to catch up with them everyday, or call my brother and see how the transition to college has been (something special I feel like we share). Or even my sister. Being 5 or 6 hours off makes it really hard to find time to catch up. I literally have to plan it into my day. And then there is Nick. That's a friendship I've put way too much time into to ever just throw away. Or even Michelle. Such a dear friend and someone I can be completely honest with. And I can't forget about camp. Amy, Brittany, all the interns from this year. Even Zach, Chick and Pierre. It is such brief moments of catching up and I wish I could invest so much more. I could keep going. Really. As much as I would absolutely love for all of my time to be dedicated to these relationships, it's just not reality. It's a struggle.

This is not by any means the first time I have dealt with this. I struggle with this often. Very often. I struggled with it a lot this summer. I would work all day, and seriously need sleep in order to do my job well the next day. But night time is when everything happens. I'm not the typical college student. I can't function off of 5 hours of sleep. Not even close.

Last night just made me really try to reconsider things. But at the same time, I don't want to be seeking the approval of others. Such a hard concept sometimes. Someone who's opinion I definitely care about brings something to me, but I feel God calling me somewhere else. Or is it just that I think I'm supposed to be somewhere else and he is using this person to point something out to me? I just get so confused.

Church today was great though. Community group too. I just had to literally surrender every single aspect to the Lord. I just long for his will to be done. It's so hard for me to not know what that is. I feel pulled in every direction. As I was driving home from community group today I was thinking and praying about all of this. It simply comes down to this. God is my top priority. I know that. And because he is my top priority, that means he gets to figure it all out for me, right? I don't know if that's bad logic or theology, but at this point, I'm just sitting still, in his presence, with my hands open. I don't know what else to do, so I will do all I know how to do.

I will wait upon the Lord. Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord.