Turmoil

The last 24 hours have been all over the place.

Today was graduation. Yay! It was fun. I guess. Long and boring, but a huge life milestone, so that was good and yes, that makes it exciting.

But all last night and all today I couldn't get pole vaulting out of my head. The unknown was killing me and I was having a really hard time with the extreme possibility of not going to Nationals. My head was in constant turmoil.

I've been through every situation and scenario in my head. I've also prayed like crazy. Definitely an opportunity to trust in the Lord and his will. So much easier said than done.

Tears have already been shed as I tried to envision this dream crashing before my eyes. It was so painful to imagine. Last night I cried out to the Lord and begged him to work out the details and for me to get to Nationals. I don't want Nationals to be an idol in my heart, and I truly do not think it is, but it is something I've wanted with such passion for so long. I just cried out to God that he would get me there. He was clearly the one who got me to Nationals for diving, I knew he could do it again. But at the same time, I knew I just needed to trust. Trust in his will and his planning. If he didn't want me at Nationals, I didn't want to go. And if he wanted me there, he would get me there. As hard as it was, I had to completely commit it into the Lord's hands.

Its been tough. I practiced today, just in case, and it went really well. It was a blast and my parents got to come watch me, so that made it extra special. But I just had fun and was doing my thing and it felt good. After practice, the Lord had given me this peace. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I had a peace about it. I knew that if I didn't make it to Nationals that I would cry, it would be extremely hard, I would have lots of questions, but ultimately it was what God wanted. I wouldn't understand, but it's not my job to understand, so I was going to have to deal with it. I also knew, that if I made it, this whole experience and turmoil was exactly what I needed to get my drive for vaulting back and I would be excited all over again.

So many questions, so few answers, and just a time of waiting.

I'm pretty impatient when it comes to waiting on things like this. I get antsy.

As my parents and I were driving home from dinner, we again talked about how God is completely in control and he knows what he is doing. My dad was reminding me that whether I go to Nationals or not, God gets all the glory, and the same amount of glory. He doesn't get more glory if I go. Or if I don't go. As long as his name is being glorified, that is all that matters. And that is so in the depths of my heart. It sometimes gets clouded by this world, but my true hearts desire is to bring God glory in everything that I do. It is so not about me, but ALL about him.

Well, the unofficial entries came out tonight. They are finalized tomorrow, but often times there aren't changes. They just leave a time for people to "challenge" the list. Not completely sure of the details of that, but it often doesn't change. And the results of those unofficial entries...

I'M IN!!!

Completely and totally by the grace of God. My height was the last one to make it and they took 20 female vaulters. God is so so so good! This was not something I did, it was something the Lord did. And because of the unexpected circumstances, I truly believe it screams Jesus' name even more! May his name be lifted higher.

Well I'm definitely SO EXCITED! This is all becoming a reality and I love it! This struggle and turmoil, as much as I hate to say it, was exactly what I needed if I was going to make it to Nationals. It was a strange answer to prayer. I had been struggling with my passion and excitement for vaulting. Being so close to not going, made me realize how bad I wanted it. My drive is back. Now I definitely didn't enjoy going through this, it was hard and I was desperate, but thats the best place to be right? But I'm glad it happened. God needed to break me, and I'd say I was pretty close to rock bottom. Utterly desperate. And thats when he picks us up.

Now I definitely understand that this is easy for me to say, since things turned out the way I had hoped. This entry would probably look a bit different if I had gotten cut. Different reactions and different emotions. But I know that I have learned a lot through this. Huge lessons in the last 24 hours. I know this is where I am supposed to be and I know God has a plan. This was what I needed. I now feel ready for Nationals. My excitement is back, my passion is back, my drive is back.

Please pray that I keep my head on straight. I've been a head case and getting really mental the last couple weeks. Please pray that away. That I would be confident and aggressive these next couple days of practice and then at the meet. It's so soon. Thursday I compete. That's only five days away! So crazy!

Thank you for all your prayers! Our God is so good.