Reflecting on the past, enjoying the moment and preparing for the future.

I am in such a strange season of life right now. So much transition; so many emotions. I'd say that I have three pretty huge things happening in my life in the matter of two weeks. Sometimes its overwhelming, sometimes exciting, sometimes sad, and everything in between.

Graduation is this weekend. Yay! (initially) but then it gets sad too. My parents are coming and I am super stoked to see them and hang out with them! I'm definitely excited to graduate. It's a huge milestone in my life and its been a really awesome journey. The Lord has taught me so much. I am definitely leaving Calvin a different person. So insane how much you can change in four years. I start to look back and it just gets crazy. Friendships that came and went, friendships that will last a lifetime, struggles, victories, teammates, meets, summers that changed me, deep conversations...I could go on forever. It's been good. I've been where God wanted me and I can say that with complete confidence. And I think Calvin has done a great job preparing me for the world. I'm excited to move on. Terrified at times, but excited none the less.

With the excitement of graduation comes the sorrows of lasts. I've already had a lot of lasts, some maybe I haven't completely processed through (like my diving career) but many hard lasts are yet to come. My last Crossroads service has been heavy on my heart. I do not want to say bye to that Sunday gathering. That place has become my family. My last community group. Those people have really become family. And even though we've only been meeting for a short period of time, I am definitely sad to have my last small group. Those girls are so awesome. I have to say bye to so many dear friends, Calvin and Grand Rapids. I'm normally pretty good with good-byes, but so many in such a short amount of time is hard. I don't want to say bye to my dear dear friends.

And here comes loop number one: Nationals. Track Nationals still isn't a guarantee, but it is looking pretty likely that I'll make it. Final results will come out this weekend and I have one more meet to try and get a little higher height. I want to stay dedicated, determined and passionate about vaulting all the way through my season. I have to stay focused. I don't want to get distracted by everything else around me. And I'm also really excited for this experience! Again, so many emotions. This has been a dream of mine for four years and it is so close to happening. The Lord's grace is abounding.

With the excitement and joys of vaulting and clearing 12 feet, I feel like I've hit a "funk." There is a small part of me that feels satisfied. I've wanted to be a 12 foot vaulter since my high school coach told me I could be, and I've finally done it. I feel accomplished. While that is a good thing, I've lost a little drive. A little bit of that competitive edge is gone and I desperately need it back. I need to find it before Thursdays meet and I really need to get things together before Nationals. My mental game for pole vaulting has been struggling.
I think a small part of the distraction comes with loop number two: Interning at Champion. I am so excited! Excited doesn't even describe it. My heart is dying to be there. I get really excited when I talk to a fellow intern or think about getting to camp and then my heart sinks as I know almost everyone is already at camp and I'm still two weeks away. Not only am I not there, but they're all there building awesome relationships with each other. I know I'm missing out.

But then I have to stop. And rewind. Back to reality. I am where God wants me and I want to embrace every moment of it. I am so excited for camp, but I don't want to miss what God has for me in these next two weeks because I'm looking so far ahead. But then its hard, cause at the same time, I want to make sure that I am ready for camp. I want to be prepared; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. I want to get there and be able to jump right in.

I'm going to have so much processing to do before then too though. I'm approaching the last days of my athletic career. (At least in college. I can't imagine really being completely done. We'll see where God takes it.)I don't want to jump from Nationals to camp and not process things through. And then all of a sudden half way through first session have it hit me that I'll never be competing on a college sports team again.

So many things to juggle and so many emotions. I want to be able to reflect on the past, enjoy the moment and prepare for the future. In each of these three major things. How do I do all of that at the same time? My head might explode. It's a good thing I serve a fierce and powerful God who can handle anything. I just have to keep reminding myself to hand it all over to him. He is in control and he knows my heart. He will walk me through.