The Big Dance

Well it came and went.

Today was an absolute blast and I soaked up ever single second of it! God is so good and so gracious. Vaulting went well.

It was really hot out, which I'm not used to. Michigan has made me a complete wimp with the heat. Warm ups went well and then it was time to start!

My first goal for the meet was to clear opening height. I didn't want to get all the way to Nationals and no height (where you don't clear any bars). Opening was 11'5 which is the highest opening height I've ever come in at by far. I normally come in around 10'4ish, depending on the heights at the meet. But I knew I could clear 11'5, so just had to go for it. I missed on my first attempt, but made it on my second. Thank you Jesus! Goal one accomplished.

I was also having so much fun! I was soaking it all in and constantly reminding myself that I was having a blast. It was so awesome.

The bar then went up to 11'10. I missed my first and second attempts and that was scary. I knew I had more in me and I definitely didn't want to be done yet. I consciously gave it all I had and cleared it on my third attempt. Thank you Jesus! That one was seriously a miracle. And my coach told me that was the best jump I had today. It definitely felt good.

I took three jumps at 12'2 (which would have been a personal record) and didn't clear any of them. My second attempt was really close! I barely hit the bar, but it fell. And by my third attempt, my coach said I was just tired. I had taken so many jumps and with the heat, I just wasn't running as fast as I needed to. Close, but no cigar.

I'm happy with today though. I jumped well, it was the second best meet of my career, and I was really close to getting a personal best at Nationals. It would have been sweet to have actually done it, but I jumped well and am pleased. I also seriously had a blast. It was so much fun! I absolutely love pole vaulting and don't really have any intention of being completely done with it. I love it too much. I'll have to find a club team around somewhere or something. But I'm definitely happy with how things went today. It was a great way to end my collegiate career.

I ended up 16th, which I'm happy with. I moved up on the list, so that is good. Place doesn't matter a whole bunch to me, but I'm proud of that.

This has seriously totally been the Lord. My whole senior year. All my sports and everything. All completely the Lord. It is only by his talent that I am able to do anything and he absolutely gets all the glory. It is so not about me, it is all about him.

Just thinking about the miracles that happened this year...its insane. That is going to have to wait for another post. I need to get some sleep. Thank you so much for all your prayers! I'm really happy with how things turned out and I had so much fun! So much fun! To Him be the glory.

Nationals

Lots to catch up on, but not much time to type. I need to get in bed.

The day has arrived. I am in Cleveland for Track Nationals. This is real. I am living a dream. There have been multiple times while I've been here that I just stop, and remind myself that I'm at Nationals. And I think of where the Lord has taken me, the journey I have been on for so long, and am so incredibly thankful. And humbled. It is so not because of me and He gets ALL the glory. This reality often seems surreal.

Tomorrow is the Big Dance. (well, today now that its super late). I'll be vaulting at 1:00pm on Thursday. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be praying. That is seriously what I need. The times I've had people praying the hardest are the times I've competed the best. Because when it is the Holy Spirit doing the work, I am able to fade into the background. Pray for confidence and angels. Side note: My mom's taught me to pray for angels. I don't think many people pray for them, but she's taught me how. Every single night before bed while we were growing up she would pray for armies of angels to protect us. Angels got me over that 12'1 bar in order to get me here. I have no doubt in my mind about that. So yeah, pray for angels. Anyway, I covet your prayers. Please pray for physical strength as it is going to be a very hot day, and there is a chance of storms, so pray those away too.

It's been a long road and quite a journey, but I feel ready. I definitely have another meet left in me and am ready to bring it everything I've got. With confidence. Not in myself, but in the talent God has given me. He is the source and he is the recipient of all the glory. May his name be glorified through my performance tomorrow. I am here. And I am ready.

Random piece of information: I painted my fingernails black tonight for the first time in my life. It's a Calvin Nationals tradition. It feels really weird. I don't like it. But I'm all about tradition. Gotta take one for the team.

Oh, also...I am the first Calvin athlete competing in the meet, so I really want to set a good pace for the team. Please pray that this is encouraging and exciting for me and not an added pressure.

Turmoil

The last 24 hours have been all over the place.

Today was graduation. Yay! It was fun. I guess. Long and boring, but a huge life milestone, so that was good and yes, that makes it exciting.

But all last night and all today I couldn't get pole vaulting out of my head. The unknown was killing me and I was having a really hard time with the extreme possibility of not going to Nationals. My head was in constant turmoil.

I've been through every situation and scenario in my head. I've also prayed like crazy. Definitely an opportunity to trust in the Lord and his will. So much easier said than done.

Tears have already been shed as I tried to envision this dream crashing before my eyes. It was so painful to imagine. Last night I cried out to the Lord and begged him to work out the details and for me to get to Nationals. I don't want Nationals to be an idol in my heart, and I truly do not think it is, but it is something I've wanted with such passion for so long. I just cried out to God that he would get me there. He was clearly the one who got me to Nationals for diving, I knew he could do it again. But at the same time, I knew I just needed to trust. Trust in his will and his planning. If he didn't want me at Nationals, I didn't want to go. And if he wanted me there, he would get me there. As hard as it was, I had to completely commit it into the Lord's hands.

Its been tough. I practiced today, just in case, and it went really well. It was a blast and my parents got to come watch me, so that made it extra special. But I just had fun and was doing my thing and it felt good. After practice, the Lord had given me this peace. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I had a peace about it. I knew that if I didn't make it to Nationals that I would cry, it would be extremely hard, I would have lots of questions, but ultimately it was what God wanted. I wouldn't understand, but it's not my job to understand, so I was going to have to deal with it. I also knew, that if I made it, this whole experience and turmoil was exactly what I needed to get my drive for vaulting back and I would be excited all over again.

So many questions, so few answers, and just a time of waiting.

I'm pretty impatient when it comes to waiting on things like this. I get antsy.

As my parents and I were driving home from dinner, we again talked about how God is completely in control and he knows what he is doing. My dad was reminding me that whether I go to Nationals or not, God gets all the glory, and the same amount of glory. He doesn't get more glory if I go. Or if I don't go. As long as his name is being glorified, that is all that matters. And that is so in the depths of my heart. It sometimes gets clouded by this world, but my true hearts desire is to bring God glory in everything that I do. It is so not about me, but ALL about him.

Well, the unofficial entries came out tonight. They are finalized tomorrow, but often times there aren't changes. They just leave a time for people to "challenge" the list. Not completely sure of the details of that, but it often doesn't change. And the results of those unofficial entries...

I'M IN!!!

Completely and totally by the grace of God. My height was the last one to make it and they took 20 female vaulters. God is so so so good! This was not something I did, it was something the Lord did. And because of the unexpected circumstances, I truly believe it screams Jesus' name even more! May his name be lifted higher.

Well I'm definitely SO EXCITED! This is all becoming a reality and I love it! This struggle and turmoil, as much as I hate to say it, was exactly what I needed if I was going to make it to Nationals. It was a strange answer to prayer. I had been struggling with my passion and excitement for vaulting. Being so close to not going, made me realize how bad I wanted it. My drive is back. Now I definitely didn't enjoy going through this, it was hard and I was desperate, but thats the best place to be right? But I'm glad it happened. God needed to break me, and I'd say I was pretty close to rock bottom. Utterly desperate. And thats when he picks us up.

Now I definitely understand that this is easy for me to say, since things turned out the way I had hoped. This entry would probably look a bit different if I had gotten cut. Different reactions and different emotions. But I know that I have learned a lot through this. Huge lessons in the last 24 hours. I know this is where I am supposed to be and I know God has a plan. This was what I needed. I now feel ready for Nationals. My excitement is back, my passion is back, my drive is back.

Please pray that I keep my head on straight. I've been a head case and getting really mental the last couple weeks. Please pray that away. That I would be confident and aggressive these next couple days of practice and then at the meet. It's so soon. Thursday I compete. That's only five days away! So crazy!

Thank you for all your prayers! Our God is so good.

So close.

Latest update on vaulting...thought I would check the ranking list before bed. Not good news. Earlier today I was in a three way tie for 13th place. Now, I'm in a three way tie for 17th place. Not good.

The minimum field is 15, so they are required to take at least 15 vaulters. They typically take 18 or 19. Talk about being on the bubble. And they'll cut it off at a height, which effects the tie. There are only so many athletes that are invited to the meet, so it is always tight on numbers. But being in a three way tie, means either they take all three of us, or none of us. So if they're tight on numbers, most likely we'll get the boot. Or if someone hasn't turned in their entries from this weekend, and they have gone higher, I'm out.

This is pretty scary. I really don't want to see this dream crash and burn right in front of my face. I've wanted it for so long and am so close. So close.

I just have to keep praying that the Lord would be in control. May his will be done above all else. That is the true cry of my heart. But at the same time, this is something I've wanted for so long. It's seriously been a dream of mine. And the height above me, is one centimeter above me. One centimeter. I do not want to see this taken away by one centimeter.

Please pray God would work an amazing miracle somehow! He did it for diving, he can do it again. It is all completely in his hands and I have to rest in that. It doesn't make me want it any less, but it is comforting to know, that I will survive whatever happens and he will still be my King. Tears would be shed for sure though.

Reflecting on the past, enjoying the moment and preparing for the future.

I am in such a strange season of life right now. So much transition; so many emotions. I'd say that I have three pretty huge things happening in my life in the matter of two weeks. Sometimes its overwhelming, sometimes exciting, sometimes sad, and everything in between.

Graduation is this weekend. Yay! (initially) but then it gets sad too. My parents are coming and I am super stoked to see them and hang out with them! I'm definitely excited to graduate. It's a huge milestone in my life and its been a really awesome journey. The Lord has taught me so much. I am definitely leaving Calvin a different person. So insane how much you can change in four years. I start to look back and it just gets crazy. Friendships that came and went, friendships that will last a lifetime, struggles, victories, teammates, meets, summers that changed me, deep conversations...I could go on forever. It's been good. I've been where God wanted me and I can say that with complete confidence. And I think Calvin has done a great job preparing me for the world. I'm excited to move on. Terrified at times, but excited none the less.

With the excitement of graduation comes the sorrows of lasts. I've already had a lot of lasts, some maybe I haven't completely processed through (like my diving career) but many hard lasts are yet to come. My last Crossroads service has been heavy on my heart. I do not want to say bye to that Sunday gathering. That place has become my family. My last community group. Those people have really become family. And even though we've only been meeting for a short period of time, I am definitely sad to have my last small group. Those girls are so awesome. I have to say bye to so many dear friends, Calvin and Grand Rapids. I'm normally pretty good with good-byes, but so many in such a short amount of time is hard. I don't want to say bye to my dear dear friends.

And here comes loop number one: Nationals. Track Nationals still isn't a guarantee, but it is looking pretty likely that I'll make it. Final results will come out this weekend and I have one more meet to try and get a little higher height. I want to stay dedicated, determined and passionate about vaulting all the way through my season. I have to stay focused. I don't want to get distracted by everything else around me. And I'm also really excited for this experience! Again, so many emotions. This has been a dream of mine for four years and it is so close to happening. The Lord's grace is abounding.

With the excitement and joys of vaulting and clearing 12 feet, I feel like I've hit a "funk." There is a small part of me that feels satisfied. I've wanted to be a 12 foot vaulter since my high school coach told me I could be, and I've finally done it. I feel accomplished. While that is a good thing, I've lost a little drive. A little bit of that competitive edge is gone and I desperately need it back. I need to find it before Thursdays meet and I really need to get things together before Nationals. My mental game for pole vaulting has been struggling.
I think a small part of the distraction comes with loop number two: Interning at Champion. I am so excited! Excited doesn't even describe it. My heart is dying to be there. I get really excited when I talk to a fellow intern or think about getting to camp and then my heart sinks as I know almost everyone is already at camp and I'm still two weeks away. Not only am I not there, but they're all there building awesome relationships with each other. I know I'm missing out.

But then I have to stop. And rewind. Back to reality. I am where God wants me and I want to embrace every moment of it. I am so excited for camp, but I don't want to miss what God has for me in these next two weeks because I'm looking so far ahead. But then its hard, cause at the same time, I want to make sure that I am ready for camp. I want to be prepared; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically. I want to get there and be able to jump right in.

I'm going to have so much processing to do before then too though. I'm approaching the last days of my athletic career. (At least in college. I can't imagine really being completely done. We'll see where God takes it.)I don't want to jump from Nationals to camp and not process things through. And then all of a sudden half way through first session have it hit me that I'll never be competing on a college sports team again.

So many things to juggle and so many emotions. I want to be able to reflect on the past, enjoy the moment and prepare for the future. In each of these three major things. How do I do all of that at the same time? My head might explode. It's a good thing I serve a fierce and powerful God who can handle anything. I just have to keep reminding myself to hand it all over to him. He is in control and he knows my heart. He will walk me through.

Yay!

I was going to blog this morning, and now I so wish I had. Today was the big day. Our MIAA Conference Championship meet was today and tomorrow. I don't have lots of time to write. I will hopefully reflect and put up pictures later, but...IT WENT REALLY WELL!!!

Our female vaulters took one, two, three and four! We swept the field and it was so great! I ended up clearing what I think I need to actually GO to Nationals! God is so good! It seriously was all because of him! I cleared 12'1 and it feels great. I've been wanting to clear 12 feet for four years and it finally happened! Jesus is seriously amazing. I never ever could have done it without him.

I had so many people for me as well. I never could have done it without my amazingly supportive teammates who where jumping and cheering with me. I couldn't have done it without my coach, even though he wasn't able to be there to see it, and I couldn't have done it without the Hope coach who told me I needed to push my standards back further. And she totally didn't need to do that for me. Calvin and Hope have a huge rivalry. I also couldn't have ever ever done it without my prayer warrior team! I text my mom, dad and sister at every meet and ask them to pray for me. If it wasn't for those prayers, I know I couldn't have done it. Lisa's prayers too. She got an extra text message to pray cause I was really needing it. Thanks to all of you! And I absolutely 100 percent couldn't have ever in a million years done it without my Savior. He changes my attitude, changes my heart and gives me angels to throw me over the bar. He is so good!

More to come later, I need to sleep. Big day full of cheering tomorrow!

Healing, Demons and Disabilities

Okay, so I am currently leading this small group with church. It is me and a few other college girls and we started about a month and a half ago. It's been awesome. The girls are so great and I love them dearly. It's definitely a humbling experience as I have no idea what I'm doing, but I just keep praying and the Lord keeps showing up, so all is well. I have been so encouraged by the girls and their hearts for the Lord. It is seriously awesome. A couple weeks ago we got talking about reading the Bible which led into the girls wanting to make a commitment to be in the word everyday. They are so great. So we decided to go through the New Testament in 40 days. It's been great. Hard, but great. It definitely takes me a long time to read, but am plugging away and I've really been enjoying it. As I've been reading through the gospels all at once and all after each other, I've definitely been learning a lot.

One thing that has really stuck out to me is how often Jesus heals people. It is all over the gospels. And the healing that has had me thinking a lot lately is when Jesus would cast demons out of people.

There is part of me that thinks our science and technology of today has reasoned out the power of healing. I definitely believe in the power of healing. I don't know that I have ever personally witnessed it, or been healed myself, but I know it is possible. There are hundreds of stories of people being healed in todays age and I have a walking sister to prove it as well. But with our advancing science and technology, we seem to reason too quickly. Since it can be explained, we can treat it in a certain way and because of the norms God has put on this earth, we will get a certain result.

The people in Jesus' day didn't think this way. If you were sick you were sick, if you were born a certain way, you would stay that way. Of course unless you could get close enough to Jesus or even one of his disciples. Then you could be healed. And all over the gospels Jesus constantly turns people back to their faith. It is their faith that heals them. Has science taken over our need for faith? Do we reason past faith?

Sorry if this seems all over the place. There is cohesion in this blog somewhere. I'll try to find it.

As a special education major, I have had many conversations in classes about disabilities; how they come about; why people have them; how we are supposed to view them; etc. Now I don't have my opinion on this one completely fleshed out, but I believe that disabilities are a result of our fallen world. It is not because of the parents sins or anything like that, but because of sin, the condition, and because we live in a fallen world, things happen in the womb and as a result, some people have disabilities. Now I absolutely think these people are amazing gifts from God who have exceptional talents and are children of God, just like me. The way we utilize their gifts and abilities as well as care for their disabilities is for another whole blog. Not the point for right now.

Anyway, I distinctly remember having this conversation in one of my special education classes last year. One argument was that God intentionally created people with disabilities. That God purposed for them to have a brain dysfunction or a chromosome missing, or an extra chromosome. I don't know. Part of me isn't thoroughly convinced. Did God initially create us as sinners? Was that his originial intent? I think the answer is no. Which would then lead me to the conclusion that I am not even created as God had originally intended. His original intent was for us to be without sin. But that changed in the Garden. Which is why I would argue that disabilities are the result of a fallen world. People with diabilities are absolutely created in God's image, just like I am. They are to be loved and cared for with the utmost patience.

So then I think back to Jesus' approach. How am I to view people with diabilities? What did Jesus do? Well first off, Jesus loved them. He was drawn to them. But then the stickler...he also healed them. Does there need to be something "wrong" in order to be healed? Are we to heal people with disabilities as well?

I'm not convinced that all people with disabilities should be healed. There is so so so much that we learn from people with disabilities that I'm not sure we would learn otherwise. But at the same time, we are to be like Jesus, and God did give us the Holy Spirit and the ability to heal people. Even though it seems to be a rarity.

But at the same time we read a story in our class about a man with a disability. He and his mom were contstantly praying for healing. His church was praying for him and his pastor just kept telling him to have more faith. He needed more faith in order to be healed. To prove the faith he had in the Lord's healing, the man stopped taking his necessary medications becuase he believed God would heal him. He ended up dying as a result. So then what do you do with that?

As I've been reading the New Testament, when I come to a story of casting out demons, I wonder why this doesn't happen today? Have demons become extinct? I don't think so. The devil is still alive and still all over the place. Spriritual warfare is still prevelant. So then, my question is, what were these demons? Maybe our science and technology has labeled it something else. The convulsions that Jesus describes in demon possessed people, what were those? Would we label it epilepsey? or a brain dysfunction? Are we to be "casting out these demons?" Do we have an explanation, so don't feel the need to pray for healing? Do we just try to fix things with medicine or certain treatments? We look at someone who has Down Syndrome and explain it by an extra chromosome in every cell of their body. Would Jesus have looked at it differently? Did the people of that day look at it differently? Maybe we're too passive in accepting our scientific reasoning. Maybe we're not.

I don't know. This is just something that I've been thinking about. I've been wrestling with it in my head. I don't have the answers. Just lots of questions. I'd love any thoughts.