This Way and That

Time management is something that I would consider myself pretty good at. I have learned how to juggle a lot. I feel like God has called me to many different things and the recurring theme is that if he wants me to do them all, he has to do it. I have learned how to say no to things, even good things, and sometimes that is really hard for me. Right now I feel like I am in a place where I have said yes to too much, but at the same time feel called to all the things that I am doing. I am continually praying for direction and want my eyes to be open to the things that are my desire but not God's desire. I currently feel like there is too much. Too much for a 24 hour day. But then I come to my senses and just surrender it to the Lord. If it is his will that I do all that I am doing, it will all work out. I don't have to have it planned out, I don't have to know what every day brings. All he requires of me is that I trust him. And I do.

I know that I just blogged about all of this, but it seemed to come full circle again last night. I went over to my guy friend's house and hung out. I had a really great conversation with two of my friends. Two guys who I truly love and are dear dear friends of mine. We were just being really honest with each other. I loved it. But it was definitely hard. They approached me about my priorities, something that gets hinted at often, and I knew was coming. It was really hard to hear. Like harder than I would have imagined.

I just get so frustrated and feel so torn. One of them straight out said that I put school before relationships and sports before relationships. I don't spend enough time with them. It's true. I didn't even try to argue. I know that I do, and I honestly don't know what to do about it.

Relationships are really important to me. They are. I love building relationships with people and talking and sharing life. When I am at school I get pulled and tugged in so many different directions I don't even know where to begin.

God is my number one priority. I know that. My relationship with him is more important than any relationship I have ever had or will ever have. Without God I can literally do nothing.

And after number one, honestly, I get really confused. I know that I am called to be here at Calvin College and in the Special Education program. I know that and I am confident in it. It requires a lot. The number of hours put into it are more than the credit hours. One of my classes is a four credit class that requires 11 hours a week, and that's not including homework, reading and assignments. It's a lot.

I also know that I am called to be an athlete here at Calvin, and right now (it very well could change) I feel strongly that God has called me to do two sports, well really three if you count indoor and outdoor. It's new, and different, and I don't know if it's been done before, but if it is what the Lord is calling me to, I'm going to do it. And I'm going to do it with excellence. And honestly, I feel like excellence is where I get in trouble.

Young Life has done a great job of teaching me about striving for excellence. You work really really hard and do a lot of work to make something just a little bit better (even if it's something no one will notice). I want to give things 110%. I feel like I don't know how to do differently. It drives me crazy to know that I didn't do something to the best of my ability. I feel like I cheat God and myself.

So in being called to be a student and an athlete and to be them with excellence, it requires that I get a lot of sleep. I know, this probably sounds stupid that sleep would be such a priority in my life, but in order to do the things God has called me to with excellence, I need sleep. I need a lot of sleep. In my family, if you don't sleep, you get sick. Plain and simple. When I'm tired, I don't practice well, I can't pay attention in class and I am a horrible person to be around. I get grumpy and cranky and it's just not a pretty sight. It is also the absolute worst feeling in the world to me. I hate the feeling of not being able to keep my eyes open and not having the capacity to think clearly. I would rather be sick than exhausted, and getting sick because of exhaustion is definitely the worst.

This is getting long. I'm sorry. I say all of this to say that I'm torn. Because I spend so much time on school and sports I have so little time for other things (yet somehow I have so many other things right now). And because of this, it is my relationships that suffer. It was so hard to hear such a good friend tell me he saw me as a friend, but not that good of a friend because I'm never around. I don't want to leave college without any relationships that are going to last.

Even within the realm of relationships, I get torn a lot. With so little time, which relationships do I choose to put time into? My friends from my floor? or the divers? or the swim team as a whole? or the track team? or the people I live with? What about the other college students from Crossroads? Or my friend from home? Or even my family? Then there are people from camp who I love so much. There are so many good and important relationships that require so much of my time. I feel strongly about all of them too. I want to continue the relationships with the divers who I already know, I would love to help mentor a freshman diver who is juggling so many changes. I love my friends from my floor. I am so glad I was able to build relationships outside of my teams. Yet the relationships on a team are so important. Those are the people that support me through the highs and lows of practice and performance; even just life. There is another part of me that wants to pour myself into the college group at Crossroads. There is something different about doing life with people who hear the same messages as you every Sunday and are being challenged in the same areas. I also live in a very intentional community. We are required to have small group once a week. These are all people who share a passion for sports and I want to dive into these relationships as well. I've already really enjoyed getting to know my roommate better. It is totally the Lord that we are living together. And then there is home. I don't even get the chance to talk to my family once a week. I would love to catch up with them everyday, or call my brother and see how the transition to college has been (something special I feel like we share). Or even my sister. Being 5 or 6 hours off makes it really hard to find time to catch up. I literally have to plan it into my day. And then there is Nick. That's a friendship I've put way too much time into to ever just throw away. Or even Michelle. Such a dear friend and someone I can be completely honest with. And I can't forget about camp. Amy, Brittany, all the interns from this year. Even Zach, Chick and Pierre. It is such brief moments of catching up and I wish I could invest so much more. I could keep going. Really. As much as I would absolutely love for all of my time to be dedicated to these relationships, it's just not reality. It's a struggle.

This is not by any means the first time I have dealt with this. I struggle with this often. Very often. I struggled with it a lot this summer. I would work all day, and seriously need sleep in order to do my job well the next day. But night time is when everything happens. I'm not the typical college student. I can't function off of 5 hours of sleep. Not even close.

Last night just made me really try to reconsider things. But at the same time, I don't want to be seeking the approval of others. Such a hard concept sometimes. Someone who's opinion I definitely care about brings something to me, but I feel God calling me somewhere else. Or is it just that I think I'm supposed to be somewhere else and he is using this person to point something out to me? I just get so confused.

Church today was great though. Community group too. I just had to literally surrender every single aspect to the Lord. I just long for his will to be done. It's so hard for me to not know what that is. I feel pulled in every direction. As I was driving home from community group today I was thinking and praying about all of this. It simply comes down to this. God is my top priority. I know that. And because he is my top priority, that means he gets to figure it all out for me, right? I don't know if that's bad logic or theology, but at this point, I'm just sitting still, in his presence, with my hands open. I don't know what else to do, so I will do all I know how to do.

I will wait upon the Lord. Strength will rise as I wait upon the Lord.