Hard. Easy. Easy. Hard.

His ways are higher than my ways. His ways are higher than my ways. His ways are higher than my ways. I am having to continually repeat this to myself right now. I just got overwhelmed with the feeling of being tired of trusting God. I feel like so often I am left without answers and without an understanding. I just sometimes wish I knew why. Why does he take away things we love, or not give us things we desire? I know he has a better plan. I know he has a better way. But my flesh wants to understand. I know that's not my job. It's not my job to understand. Sometimes I just want to though.

Arg. Why is trusting God so hard sometimes? Uh! Listen to me. When it's easy, I want it to be hard. When it's hard, I want it to be easy. How foolish! I need to enjoy where God has me. I need to embrace it. I need to embrace the utter dependence. God help me. I need you.

Number One

It's Thursday. Well, I guess now it is technically Friday. Thursdays are my really long days. It is now 12:34am and I have been up since 4:56am and I don't want to go to sleep. I had an awesome day. The Lord's grace goes way beyond sufficient. I can't even begin to explain. I am on fire right now. I want to sing and dance and praise God with all that I am! He astounds me.

I knew today was going to be a good day. I had just finished a dream and was rolling over when my alarm went off this morning. I didn't hit the snooze button and I got out of bed. That is only because of his grace! I've been struggling to get up in the morning and the Lord just woke me up, got me to my feet and sent me into his Word. Days that we have dryland early in the morning it's harder for me to spend a significant amount of time in the Word. The Lord got me up this morning and I started my day well. Giving him the details and control of each moment.

I literally just went through today drenched in his grace. His hand was upon me and he carried me the whole way. I don't even know how to explain it. I coasted through only by this wind of grace that was pushing me. Classes went well, I got to take about an hour nap which was an amazing nap, and then I had more class. It all went really well.

So then after my day was about done at 9:00pm I headed out to see what this whole barn thing was all about. I don't know if you remember, but some guys that I met on the retreat told me about doing worship and bible study in this barn on Thursday nights. It made for a really long Thursday, but I don't have class tomorrow, so it actually worked out well. It was awesome.

I loved it. The Lord was in that place and people were just being real. Uh! I love being real. All the fake crap I see so often gets so frustrating. It was so refreshing. These three brothers that I met on the retreat, that told me about it and are the ones who started it, are awesome. I don't really know them very well, but there is seriously something different about them and I want it. Their passion and love for the Lord is contagious. They have something that I want. What an awesome quality. I pray that I am the kind of person that people see Christ in me and say that I have something they want. It was an awesome night.

There were about 15 of us and we shared testimonies and got to know each other and looked at 2 Peter a little bit. It was the Lord. He was in that place. I could go on for a while, but there is just one thing that I want to share as a take-away. It answered a huge question for me from a post a couple weeks ago.

So Jon tells us this story he heard from someone. The starter question is, how would you react, if I told you that God didn't want to be your number one? That he just didn't want it, he didn't want you to set him in "priority number one."

Our responses were that, that was crazy and a lie and just not true. Well...here's a little analogy for you.

So there's this business man. He lives in the U.S. and has a wife he loves. Because of his job he travels all the time. He's constantly gone and constantly in other countries and traveling from place to place. Over the course of some time, he ends up having four additional wives. He goes on living multiple lives for a while and then decides he should tell his wife. So he finally works up the courage to tell his wife that he has four other wives, but don't worry, he assured her that she was his "number one wife."

I like the analogy. God doesn't want to just be number one. He wants to be one, two, three, four, five...etc. If he's number one and something else is number two, he's not a part of number two. God wants to be more than our number one. He wants to be our lives. This put things into perspective for me and assured me that its maybe even a good thing I don't have my priorities listed. As long as God is all of them, I'm set.

I had a great night. The Lord filled me with his Spirit and I just feel alive and refreshed. It's now after one in the morning and I haven't been up this late in who knows how long. Hopefully I won't be sorry tomorrow. His grace is sufficient.

BEING

This weekend was awesome. We had the Crossroads College Age Retreat from Friday to Saturday and it was fantastic. The Lord showed up and met us where we were. The theme was Being. Being with God, Being with others, and Being Christ to others. We had three different sessions and someone different spoke about each topic. It was awesome, and challenging, and so good.

There was an extremely small turnout from Calvin and I didn't really have any close friends there. It was such a great opportunity to meet so many new people! We played games and talked and had some ice-breakers, and I'm really excited about some of the people I was able to meet. There was such passion in everyone that was there and it was so contagious.

The first talk was Being with God. Will shared from the word and through experience about prayer. It was definitely challenging, but something I needed to hear. I love prayer and the power of prayer. I've learned a lot about it over the past year or so. I know the power it has and I love it, yet I don't dedicate enough time to it. I'm good about my devotions, but I don't go get away for an extended period of time and only pray. We looked at Matthew 6:1,5-15. Will talked about literally going into the closet and praying. I started to brainstorm, where my closet could be. I don't really have a literal closet to use, especially since I share a room. I want somewhere that I can't be interrupted. And what I came up with is the dark and scary basement of our apartment. My plan is to clean it up, decorate, and have a place to get away and pray. It was an encouraging message that challenged me. It challenged me in an exciting way. I want my prayer life to become stronger and my relationship with the Lord to grow. A phrase that he shared with us, I really liked was "Prayer is really simple. But it's not easy." He talked about getting up in the morning and not wanting to pray. Our flesh takes over and we just don't want to do it. In those times, if we pray, "God I want to want you more than I do right now" He will show up and change our hearts. The Lord promises that when we seek him, or when we draw near to him, he will draw near to us. We have to do our part, and he promises to do his.

That night we hung out and played some games. We played telephone charades, which ended up being hilarious. I also ended up making a complete fool out of myself. We were given a scenario and we had to act it out, while someone who didn't know the scenario would watch. They would then act it out for the next person who didn't know what was going on, and so on. So I went first and my scenario was that I was a monkey in the jungle. I was swinging from vine to vine collecting bananas. Then I stopped and ate some of my bananas. (Then some college boys chimed in on the scenario) I then had to fight off a lion who tried to steal my bananas. I won and had to wear his head as a crown. Yeah. Try acting that out. It was ridiculous. I made a complete fool out of myself and looked like an idiot. But who cares? right? It was really fun, we all laughed and had a great time.

The next morning Derrick talked about being with others. We looked at 2 Timothy 2:1-7, which I wouldn't typically pick out as a "fellowship" group of verses, but he did a really great job. There were a couple take-aways for me. The first is that Paul tells us to rejoice! Twice. And coming from Paul, and his situation, we can rejoice in all of life's trials and circumstances. And we can rejoice because God's grace is sufficient. Derrick also talked about how we all need to have a Paul in our life (a mentor) and a Timothy in our life (a mentee). This is something that I have been praying about for a while and am continuing to pray about. Another thing that stuck out to me was a question he asked. We were talking about suffering. That we will suffer and we need to suffer well. This whole health, wealth and prosperity gospel that is going around is a bunch of crap. We will suffer. But he asked a question that I liked. He asked, "are you a threat to Satan?" If the answer is no, they we're not going after God like we should. If the answer is yes, you will have suffering in your life. There was a lot more that I liked too, but this is already getting long, so I'm going to move on to the third session.

DanMike talked about Being Christ to Others. We looked at Philippians 4:4-9. The two big questions he asked were, How big is God to me? And How does my life prove it? One thing he hit really hard was control. Too much control and we get anxious because we need every detail planned out. Too little control and we get anxious because we have no idea where we're headed. We have to give God the control. See a theme in my life? :) Present our requests to him, and he will give us peace. Twice in these verses God promises his peace which passes all understanding. We also looked at verse 8 and thought about what a world would look like if we did this. It says, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." What would our world look like, or what would we look like if we only thought about things that were true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? We would be much more encouraging, and much more approachable.

The worship sessions were great and the whole weekend was a blast. We built relationships with each other and strengthened our relationships with the Lord. It was awesome and all because of the Lord.

As we were leaving I started talking to a couple guys who go to Calvin. I really wanted to connect with some Calvin people cause I really want to see the Calvin/Crossroads community do something real on campus. I ended up talking to these brothers who just seemed like awesome people. Definitely on fire for the Lord and had the same mindset as me as far as Calvin and Crossroads. They told me about this thing that people have been doing on Thursday nights. A bunch of people from Calvin and Cornerstone (another nearby Christian college) have been getting together in a barn for worship and bible study. It sounded awesome. Just people getting together and getting in the Word. So hopefully I'll be able to check it out at some point. It sounds amazing. I just am still praying about my commitments, time and schedule. I have to learn to say no to things, even if they are good things, if God doesn't want me there.

I then ended the weekend with Michelle spending the night, church, coaching, and community group. Spending time with Michelle was absolutely amazing. I love that girl to death and am so thankful for our friendship. We had a sweet time together. It was a great weekend.